I feel dark

Now going on four years of carrying the weight—listening to the paranoia, the fear, the uncertainty of everyone and everything. Four years of trying to steady the ship while others panic, of pushing forward when the ground keeps shifting beneath me. The exhaustion isn’t just physical; it’s mental, emotional, and relentless.

My wife is being emotionally battered by her father, and no matter how much I support her, I can’t shield her from that pain. 

My business partner—my dear friend—is locked in a struggle that runs deeper than business, fighting for stability, for clarity, for life itself. I see the burden she carries, and I feel powerless to lift it.

I’m turning 65. The weight of years and loss presses heavier than ever. In just this one year, so many family members and friends have died, each one another crack in the foundation, another reminder of how fragile everything is. Grief piles on top of exhaustion, and it all feels like too much.

The team is demoralized. What once felt like momentum now feels like resistance—every step forward met with more doubt, more fear, more obstacles. The weight of responsibility doesn’t lighten, even when my strength to carry it fades.

The hardest part of leadership isn’t making decisions; it’s carrying the unseen burdens, the silent fears of those who look to me for stability. And now, even the team is starting to crumble, their spirit fading, making the battle feel even lonelier. The darkness isn’t just exhaustion—it’s the feeling of being drained, disconnected, burdened by too much for too long.

So what now? When hope feels distant and pushing forward seems impossible, what’s left? Maybe the answer isn’t another fight, another push. Maybe the first step is acknowledging the exhaustion, allowing myself to feel the weight instead of ignoring it. Maybe it’s time to step back, reassess, and decide what still serves the mission—and what no longer does.

The weight is real. The darkness is real. But so is the resilience that got me this far.

If i could find a robot i would record “helpme obiwan. Only you can save me”