Category: Uncategorized

Will I stand

Newsboys Song Stand

What will I do when everything falls….

June 22 2022 at 232 am I found out what I would do

Joshua Blake Hargrove died at 1250am. Age 18 and 2 months plus. I thought he would outlive me, I thought I had a lifetime to make memories. I did not. Because of this I live with grief and regrets as constant companions.

I have a had a full life, If I die tomorrow I have done it all, good and bad.

I could not process life for 10 years. I still worked and operated my body each day. I laughed and lived and got angry and got calm. I was a zombie that looked ok most of the time. in 2010, I started living again some after 8 years of heavy grieving and making my wife miserable.

In 2020, I joined ElektraFi and built a WISP company. Working 3000 hours of overtime in 22 months. Lost myself in the work. My wife during the same time, experienced a resurgent attack from her father emotionally and I failed to support her properly. He died in late 2023, leaving her unresolved on all the father issues. She is better now.

I left ElektraFi Nov 29 2022, being put in timeout by the CEO (his words), the next day I landed a job with L&W, Dec 20 I officially resigned from ElektraFi.

During the two months from Nov 29 to Feb 9 I grew up so to speak. Started loving my wife again. Started living again.

I am a work in progress and hope to stop living regretfully and start closing loops.

18 with 47 years experience

I have never felt sure of myself. As an eagle scout at age 13, swimming the mile swim, hiking the grand canyon, working in a BWR Nuclear plant putting in a one of a kind radio system for nuclear security, designing a secure reliable nuclear warning siren system for 5 parishes, rebuilding a transcontinental microwave system from Houston to NYC, being a father, a husband, starting an internet company, rejoining a consultancy I worked at 30+ years ago, designing electrical control systems for substations and regional grids, putting in one of the first utility fiber control systems in 1982, designing leading edge cyber security systems for power plants and grid transmission systems.

The best times in my life have been

  • Surviving the mile swim at age 12
  • Learning drafting from my grandfather
  • spending summers on the Neches River
  • pretending to run from my 3 year son, then 35 years later pretending to run and wrestle with my 3 to 7 year old grand nephews and niece.
  • The work has always been fun, never a job, so all I have done has been good
  • Participating in and then leading Bible Studies and watching the Word Come Alive in me and others.
  • Marrying Leisa
  • Realizing not to late that Jesus loves me this I know at age 42 – the moment when you KNOW and realize you were ignorant before.
  • Learning that I can dance like no one is looking and not care if anyone is. Age 64.
  • Seeing the first Star Trek movie in 1979 and then Wrath of Khan in 1982 and knowing that there was hope in Trek again. (you should laugh at this one)
  • losing control of my quarter horse bareback riding and fighting to get back on from rotating around to her neck and her biting me while at full gallop.

No one I believe ever feels complete in themselves. I have done a lot. I am just a guy who tried to do the best I could and constantly fell short in my own eyes. I have been a legal adult since 1976. Sometimes I feel really like a child, sometimes I act like a child. Sometimes I am proud of what I do, sometimes am not. Whether good or not so good, I just rinse and repeat and try my best to make adjustments.

I have seen amazing things, looking back I have been privileged to be leading in many areas of professional and personal areas of life. I also feel I have much left to do.

The Worst times

  • the death of Joshua, prior to that, I did not know pain. I came to know grief as a constant companion who never leaves.
  • My grandfather dying when I was age 26, the first of my relatives that I was close to passing brought forth things in me I did not know how to process.
  • My dad passing at 85, he had a full life but I was not ready to let him go.

So I go through each day, increasingly trying to be better and not be a burden to anyone. I think I may be becoming successful at life.

Have a great life, if I can, you can too.

Good ship Lollypop in Scotland – Isle of Skye

We were on A87 Isle of Skye in April 2007 on vacation. We saw a Britsh Warship in the Isle of Skye – Uig is a village at the head of Uig Bay on the west coast of the Trotternish peninsula on the Isle of Skye, Scotland. 

Leisa burst into the Shirley Temple song ‘The good ship lollypop’ I was able to record it for posterity. It was a good day

Disturbed in the Light

Andrew Paw Burnett 1987-2018. We came to know him as a result of his injury in http://joshuahargrove.org/ ‘s auto accident June 22 2002 where Joshua died and Andrew was almost killed.

In 2017 Andrew shared the rendition of disturbed with Leisa and I. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4 . He described that this represented how he felt inside most of the time. Andrew died in September 2018 of unknown health issues. His family requested that we allow his ashes be spread on our property as he felt the most peace on our property when he came to the Bible study from 2003 to his death in 2018. We placed a monument to Andrew in the spot where his ashes are spread.

Andrew was a believer in Jesus Christ. (John 3:16 and Romans 10:9) and I am confident that he is resting in Abraham’s bosom https://biblehub.com/bsb/luke/16.htm in paradise.

Andrew struggled with mental illness most of his life, He described X as a voice and at times visual presence. Andrew seemed to have largely learned to manage X and was on a couple of anti psychotics for most of his adult life. We miss Andrew. He was a good friend.

He played many video games and we joined him in playing WOW and enjoyed the fellowship that resulted from that gaming time and he was able to teach us many techniques in game.

Lok’Tar Andrew. For the Horde!

I watch the TV series the Mandalorian.

in the show the Mandalorians have a WAY

they remind each other when difficult decisions are made…”This is the WAY” and will nod affirmation at each other. The Mandalorians always seem to find or make a way to make a Way no matter the obstacle. It is a good message of hope.

I was listening to the random play list this morning and “Make a Way” was playing by Joel Egan.

The Creator makes a way when there is no way. He makes a WAY when I cannot see a way.

THIS is the WAY. He operates around me and for me – even if I fail to recognize the WAY. It works better if I cooperate with the WAY.

Have a good WAY today. Enjoy the ride. He is making a WAY