When you join the outlive your children club It is a journey no one chooses Many self destruct. I wanted to.
Now at 21 years afterward. Moments bring quiet reflections and smiles at the memories
Joy that we saw him go to 18 and a glimpse of the man he was becoming. Sad that we could not share the typical life of helping him navigate doing life.
Ours was to share our gifts differently
We have now shared our story countless times. I have seen a mom run away at the thought of what we did when we spoke of the journey. I understand that reaction. I had the same outlook before he was gone.
We miss him. I always wonder where he would be and what would he be doing.
The tree and sun shot is at the cemetery overlooking his and our headstones
He is not there. We stop maybe 2 or 3 times a year. John 14:3
This event forced choices You face a reality and truth that either destroys or you pass through and survive. Then you learn slowly how to live.
So this day in 2013, I was working a project near Reklaw TX when I received a call that dad was headed home from Silsbee Oaks in final hospice care. I drove two hours and missed seeing him get home….My sister in law who is a home health RN said that as his gurney passed through the front door , he whispered “home”. He passed on Sept 6. We had hoped that his granddaughter who lived in Austin at the time would make it home to say goodbye and Dad waited / hung on until 20 minutes after she arrived and told him ” Papa I am here and I love you”, then he stopped breathing. His family was there surrounding him, as he breathed his last, we sang “I’ll fly away”. It seemed fitting to send him forth with a hymn he enjoyed singing. He was a good man who showed by his life what the right thing was to do. We were blessed that his grand niece and daughter in law were both home health/hospice care RN’s and were there almost the entire 3 days to comfort him out of this life.
This man raised three boys and was a wonderful grandfather and got to see a great grandchild. His example guides me each moment. I marvel at the life he provided my brothers and I. Camping, fishing, building fences, gardening, milking cows, killing chicken snakes and possums to protect the chickens and the eggs. Strong and steady, He survived a near fatal fire that set him back for over a year. I never ever heard a curse come from his mouth, he modeled God for us by his actions.
Love you dad.
I am glad he was my dad. They do not make them like him anymore, at least not enough of them.
When the days are cold And the cards all fold And the saints we see are all made of gold When your dreams all fail And the ones we hail Are the worst of all, and the blood’s run stale I wanna hide the truth I wanna shelter you But with the beast inside There’s nowhere we can hide No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come When you feel my heat, look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide At the curtain’s call It’s the last of all When the lights fade out, all the sinners crawl So they dug your grave And the masquerade Will come calling out at the mess you’ve made Don’t wanna let you down But I am hell-bound Though this is all for you Don’t wanna hide the truth No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come When you feel my heat, look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide They say it’s what you make I say it’s up to fate It’s woven in my soul I need to let you go Your eyes, they shine so bright I wanna save that light I can’t escape this now Unless you show me how When you feel my heat, look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide
This is the way I used to be.
I can become this again with on decision. That is the tension.
I was listening to Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John. It came out in 1975 and I listened to it in 75 and 76. the phrase …Philadelphia Freedom…gave me a peace of life my daddy never had….
Since 1776, people came to the USA and were born here and wanted freedom, freedom to live their lives.
Thank you to all the dead and wounded who gave their all for freedom and out ability to live our lives.
June 22 2022 at 232 am I found out what I would do
Joshua Blake Hargrove died at 1250am. Age 18 and 2 months plus. I thought he would outlive me, I thought I had a lifetime to make memories. I did not. Because of this I live with grief and regrets as constant companions.
I have a had a full life, If I die tomorrow I have done it all, good and bad.
I could not process life for 10 years. I still worked and operated my body each day. I laughed and lived and got angry and got calm. I was a zombie that looked ok most of the time. in 2010, I started living again some after 8 years of heavy grieving and making my wife miserable.
In 2020, I joined ElektraFi and built a WISP company. Working 3000 hours of overtime in 22 months. Lost myself in the work. My wife during the same time, experienced a resurgent attack from her father emotionally and I failed to support her properly. He died in late 2023, leaving her unresolved on all the father issues. She is better now.
I left ElektraFi Nov 29 2022, being put in timeout by the CEO (his words), the next day I landed a job with L&W, Dec 20 I officially resigned from ElektraFi.
During the two months from Nov 29 to Feb 9 I grew up so to speak. Started loving my wife again. Started living again.
I am a work in progress and hope to stop living regretfully and start closing loops.
I have never felt sure of myself. As an eagle scout at age 13, swimming the mile swim, hiking the grand canyon, working in a BWR Nuclear plant putting in a one of a kind radio system for nuclear security, designing a secure reliable nuclear warning siren system for 5 parishes, rebuilding a transcontinental microwave system from Houston to NYC, being a father, a husband, starting an internet company, rejoining a consultancy I worked at 30+ years ago, designing electrical control systems for substations and regional grids, putting in one of the first utility fiber control systems in 1982, designing leading edge cyber security systems for power plants and grid transmission systems.
The best times in my life have been
Surviving the mile swim at age 12
Learning drafting from my grandfather
spending summers on the Neches River
pretending to run from my 3 year son, then 35 years later pretending to run and wrestle with my 3 to 7 year old grand nephews and niece.
The work has always been fun, never a job, so all I have done has been good
Participating in and then leading Bible Studies and watching the Word Come Alive in me and others.
Marrying Leisa
Realizing not to late that Jesus loves me this I know at age 42 – the moment when you KNOW and realize you were ignorant before.
Learning that I can dance like no one is looking and not care if anyone is. Age 64.
Seeing the first Star Trek movie in 1979 and then Wrath of Khan in 1982 and knowing that there was hope in Trek again. (you should laugh at this one)
losing control of my quarter horse bareback riding and fighting to get back on from rotating around to her neck and her biting me while at full gallop.
No one I believe ever feels complete in themselves. I have done a lot. I am just a guy who tried to do the best I could and constantly fell short in my own eyes. I have been a legal adult since 1976. Sometimes I feel really like a child, sometimes I act like a child. Sometimes I am proud of what I do, sometimes am not. Whether good or not so good, I just rinse and repeat and try my best to make adjustments.
I have seen amazing things, looking back I have been privileged to be leading in many areas of professional and personal areas of life. I also feel I have much left to do.
The Worst times
the death of Joshua, prior to that, I did not know pain. I came to know grief as a constant companion who never leaves.
My grandfather dying when I was age 26, the first of my relatives that I was close to passing brought forth things in me I did not know how to process.
My dad passing at 85, he had a full life but I was not ready to let him go.
So I go through each day, increasingly trying to be better and not be a burden to anyone. I think I may be becoming successful at life.
John Hargrove Seeking Truth and Reality 