Passing

June 21 2002, Life was good, Was doing well in all aspects. Success was everywhere.

50 minutes in June 22, and suddenly nothing was good any longer. nothing made sense anymore.

In one moment, everything focused on one thing, did I believe in a life or death way in eternal life based on Jesus Christ and his teachings. No time to prepare, think, consider, pray for strength, get ready … in one second I had to choose. I did not want to. Joshua was gone from where I was, where Leisa was. We could never ever talk, touch, guide, laugh, or cry with him again. All the plans we had to launch him into this life were rendered meaningless. I had said I was prepared, I found out I was not. I put on a brave face 80% of the time. I was a mess the rest, privately and was totally not there to help my wife grieve. The pain was beyond what I could imagine. Our plans to play with the grand kids in the back yard were now just a knife in our heart, grand children no longer possible.

Rewind 6 weeks or so, My mother in law passed from this life after years of health decline due to heart disease. She planned her funeral service with her daughters. A week prior to her death – she visited with the grand kids, laughed with them. We all knew this was goodbye, we hugged her. Her daughters and husband spent the next 5 days helping her pass. She died in her sleep on the 5th morning. We grieved and it hurt, but there was a peace. You expect 60+ people to probably die before you do at age 40 something.

2013 – my dad broke a hip at age 84, he slowly passed from this life over the next 60 days. There was a peace in his passing. We grieved but there was the expectation that parents go first. Looking back he had started passing about a year or so earlier, you could see his loss of interest in this life.

My wife’s friend’s mother passed recently, the funeral is today. Her friend is the last of her nuclear family, dad, then sister, and now mom are gone. She knew it was close for her mom, but it hurts and knowing you are the last of your little family is a different kind of hurt. We are praying for her and will go see her in a few days when she returns from out of state.

In times like these, words fail. Some things you need to say, just seems appropriate. But they fail. Nothing can stop the pain of loss. Time attenuates it. It stops being a knife 24×7 in your heart. The tears stop pouring most days.

Timeline

230am June 22 2002 when I found out that Joshua was dead to June 24 end of day. We had visitation June 22 at 5pm, we viewed privately Joshua’s body in the casket at noon – less than 12 hours after his death. His maternal grandparents had a burial policy that paid for his funeral…strange benefit…His grammy took care of Joshua even in death. I recall one of his friends standing at his casket weeping holding a teddy bear he gave her for what seemed to be a long time. We hugged her. I recall a cousin screaming on seeing him in the casket. Leisa and I cried and hugged everyone who came. I told them Joshua was ok. I knew he was with Jesus, and my heart was screaming and bleeding emotionally.

Afternoon of June 24, funeral service, I spoke through tears, I held onto Leisa, we watched the casket lower into the ground. We then spent the next 4 weeks choosing headstones. We picked a set and placed a poem on them that Joshua had written.

We stopped visiting the gravesite about 5 years later. He is not there. It still hurts, but the pain is attenuated and there is a peace that passes understanding. I know God has him and grammy and my dad. I trust that Jesus did what he said he does. Eternal life with him is the promise.

One of the survivors of the accident that killed Joshua and the other driver, a young man who was a youth group friend of Joshua’s and our friend the past many years. His life was a challenge, he was a bright light but had darkness, He believed in Jesus, but suffered emotional pain from a absent dad that he never reconciled with with. Once his mom passed from an illness he only made it two years and he simply died (my opinion) from the pain in his emotional heart, he gave up. It was sudden and we miss him too. I know he is being taken care of by God. Of that I have no doubt.

Passing is hard to navigate

Be thankful if you are simply navigating life and some small stuff. The passing to eternity is hard for those who remain behind to continue navigating this life.

That summer of 2002, I found my life scripture, 2 Cor 5:7 Walk by Faith not by Sight.

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A poem, the one on the back of his headstone

We are one and the same, you and I,
And though death may take us we will never die,
For I’m only a soul, like yourself,
Just another book on the shelf.

And though losses I will have, I am surely certain,
That on life’s stage, beyond the curtain,
My destiny will be found with great discernity,
For what we do in life echoes in eternity.

– Joshua’s epitaph –
The final two stanzas of Who I Am, subtitled “Alive in Christ,” are inscibed on his headstone at Magnolia Springs Cemetery near Kirbyville, TX