The Poems and Essays of
Joshua Blake Hargrove
2000 – 2002
Edited by his father, John Hargrove
PREFACE
A Note from the Editor
These are Joshua’s words as he wrote them. The spelling is his. The punctuation is his. The line breaks are his. Where a word looks wrong — discernity, Aurther, frusturated — it is not a typographer’s error. It is what a boy wrote when he had a Bible open on his lap or an essay due in the morning and did not yet know that anyone would collect these words after he was gone.
The order is mine. He wrote fifteen poems, two untitled prose fragments, and — that we still have — three high school essays. Two of the essays are here. I have grouped the poems by the currents they seem to travel together: declaration, warfare, struggle, tenderness, wisdom. The essays follow at the back as evidence of the mind behind the poetry.
He wrote most of this between his sixteenth and eighteenth years. He was baptized in the Neches on his sixteenth birthday, April 9, 2000. He died on Highway 62 on June 22, 2002. What lies between those two dates is what lies in this book.
He did not know he was writing his collected works. He thought he was still becoming himself.
He would be forty-two now in 2026.
He is not writing anymore. But these are still here. Read them in his voice, not mine.
— J.H.
SECTION ONE
The Poems
Fifteen poems and two untitled prose fragments. Two are dated. The rest are marked only as written between Spring 2000 and June 2002 — those two years are the whole of what he left behind. The arrangement is thematic, not chronological. I have tried to move the reader through his range without leaving anyone stranded at the darker end.
Declaration
1. Alive in Christ
January 9, 2001. The same day he wrote Who I Am for English III. Nine months after his baptism in the Neches. He was sixteen.
We are one and the same, you and I,
And though death may take us we will never die,
For I’m only a soul, like yourself,
Just another book on the shelf.
And though losses I will have, I am surely certain,
That on life’s stage, beyond the curtain,
My destiny will be found with great discernity,
For what we do in life echoes in eternity.
2. Who I Am
January 9, 2001, for English III. The closing lines are the same as those in Alive in Christ, written the same day. He said the same thing twice on the same day in two different registers.
I am who I am.
I am who you were,
or who you will be.
I am whatever you see in me.
Once I’m gone, who will know,
What my life had to show?
Will I be seen as thoughtful?
Will I be seen as thankful?
Will I be remembered as wonderful?
Or just that guy who was over six feet tall?
Will I even be remembered at all?
I do what I can in any case,
To provide advice, and give people space,
Though sometimes I feel as irritating as that untieable shoelace,
I do — do what I can, in any case,
For anyone willing to look me in the face,
And if I’m wrong in what I do,
I will put aside my pride and apologize to you.
I do become angry; I do often feel sad,
But these depressions are a part of a life that makes me glad,
Don’t be afraid to dance when people are around,
Don’t shy away, afraid to make a sound,
They’re just as scared as you,
It took me quite a while to catch that clue.
Once you see your value to me,
You will never again be,
Asking me, who I am or what I will be,
We are one and the same, you and I,
And though death may take us we will never die,
For I’m only a soul, like yourself,
Just another book on the shelf.
And though losses I will have, I am surely certain,
That on life’s stage, beyond the curtain,
My destiny will be found with great discernity,
For what we do in life echoes in eternity.
Warfare and Vocation
3. The Unknown War
Undated. His theology of vocation cast as poetry. He believed he had been sent, and he believed he knew what he had been sent to do.
We are what we are on this worldy earth,
because of a lesson we are learning since birth,
the experiences we have the people we meet are because of the skills we need to learn,
before we are born we are angels from above, training for a fight to make the demons forever burn, against the Devil, that vengeful wraith.
We are here for a purpose plain and simple,
To learn the one and important principle,
Love your neighbors, let them know, that your not afraid to let it show,
For this is our weapon against evil and hate,
The confident determination that love and justice won’t come too late,
this is our purpose on this worldy earth, this is our duty, our fate.
Good will over come in the ultimate end, fore we are all warriors among Gods round table,
and it will end in our favor strong and sure,
for that is Gods way honest and pure.
4. We Can Use Worldly Things
Undated. A sixteen-year-old working out how to be in the world without becoming of it.
We can use worldy things
to express the love God brings
To be spiritual is good
To stay holy is great
But just because you don’t like a town
doesn’t mean you have to leave the state
Take the good from the Earth
and use it as Godly devices
He knows your hearts desires
and if goodness is within
His grace on you will aspire
5. Come With Me
Undated. Wanting to be seen.
Come with me
to the planes I go
I need to see
I need to know
if you’re real
about how you feel
Do you care?
Do you love?
Do you love?
Do you Dare?
Dare to look at me
and tell me what you see in me
I want you to care
because I think it’s only fair
that you see me too
the way I’ve always looked at you.
6. Can’t Wait to See Tomorrow
Undated. The longest poem he wrote and the most complicated. It shifts from present hope to imagined old age and back. He imagines himself on a deathbed watching his children weep with joy because they know where he is going. He was sixteen or seventeen.
Today was a day of miracles and wonders,
Today was inexplicably perfect in its faults and blunders,
Today was a great and glorious day, and I loved it so,
Today was blessed, and I can’t wait to see tomorrow,
My eyes are open, and I do see,
I can see you, can you see me?
Or am I hunting a lost cause…..
I have no audience…but a ceaseless applause…
Today was a day of great deeds said and done,
Today was a holy gift from the Lord All Mighty’s only son,
Today…today was a day of celebration, a day of rejoice,
The children of God….The Shepherd’s sheep have finally found a voice,
No more hatred…no more vengeance, no more sorrow,
Thank you oh Holy Lord, For I can’t wait to see tomorrow.
My finance is up, My love is strong,
I have traveled far I have traveled long,
Looking for the answer to my reason here,
Remaining steadfast in the face of hate, in the face of fear,
I am you warrior God, wearing your armor, and welding your sword,
With my faith as my shield….I will triumph….for you I fight oh Lord…
Today was worthy of praise, without pun or phrase,
Though my father beat me in a wild craze,
Today was awesome, as I fell in its wake,
Though my best friends had thoughtlessly put my life as stake,
Though when I was beaten and mugged, help came too late,
I have no remorse, I have no evil, I will never have hate,
For these are feelings of an awful low,
And I just want to make it till tomorrow,
My deathbed is quaint, my estate lies in ruin,
And I shall pass away very so-on, (soo-in)
Buy my children are here,
And as I watch them, they shed tear after tear,
Not of sorrow, but of joy,
Not even my eldest daughter, not even my little boy,
For they know of my final destination,
Their love is strong, and they know my good deeds,
And as I close my eyes, I feel my burdens lift,
I lose my pain, and lift my arms to rejoice tomorrow,
Oohhh tomorrow….how I can’t wait to see tomorrow.
Struggle
7. The Pain of Living
Undated. He was capable of this too. He did not hide it. The last three words are: my long goodbyes.
I am no longer me
no, the eyes refuse to see
they way things were, the way they used to be
Myself has changed
has been re-arranged
and alone
I feel so deranged
Strong new faces invade my mind
a connection to voices — I do not find
Lost and alone — even to darkness, blind
take me away
there’s no reason to stay
I don’t want to live — through another day
Day and night — there’s too much to fight
not enough heart no, and not enough light
strength long dispersed
last lines long rehearsed
to say my long goodbyes.
8. Is Nothing Something?
Undated. He asked the question every son eventually asks and few say out loud.
My face slows noone
My heart holds nothing
My spirit is empty
And I am unclear
Lost lamb lost lam
no where to go
a lost lamb I am
from head to toe
Nothing
I am nothing
nothing I am
all life is to me
Is a pointless sham
so angry,
no, sad
Not so angry
but not really glad
Wonder what would life without me be
to mom and dad?
9. My Comfort Zone
Undated. He signed this one Joshua Blake. One of the few he signed.
Im tired and I ache to my soul,
Ive been too weak in life and its starting to take its toll,
somehow in someway Ill get my life back together again sewn,
but first Ive got to learn to leave my comfort zone,
where I forget about my life, forget about me,
and give to others what Im dyin for..someone to help me see,
For some reason, I dont trust ..and I dont feel I can trust,
the biggest fear I have is of losing control of my lust,
I’d never hurt anybody, and I never had,
Ive always tried to be positive and follow Gods way, so why do I always feel so damn bad?
I’ve often found myself frusturated that Im not good at talking on the phone,
I’ve got to leave (for good) my comfort zone.
— Joshua Blake
10. Splinter
Undated. Heartbreak. He was young. He was also sure.
Feel my hurt
feel like dirt
don’t you know?
You hurt me so
But never again ~
will you see my heart
No never again ~
so don’t even start
with me
You like to think
that your so great
let me illustrate
I think you stink
And never again ~
will I be your fool
never never nuh-uh ~
you played me
for a fool
never should have been with you
Tenderness
11. A Loving Spirit
Undated. God as the only reliable object of longing.
I miss loving
after all the pushing and shoving
I miss having a smile
and getting a hug every once in a while
In what I miss
something seems a miss
for God is all I need
yet still there is in me a seed
that grows on me
and makes me see
that not all worldy things are bad
as longs as we don’t depend on them Gods glad
He wants us to enjoy
this world like a toy
But also stay holy
and remain in Him Wholey
12. Love’s Desire
Undated. He was capable of tenderness. This is what it sounded like.
Looking for a sign
in a feeling I’ve been having
wanting something real
and from you I feel it
with your lips in mine
sitting here
where here is now
I like to look at you
while thinking wow
something sweet
fills my heart
when my name escapes your lips
from your head
to your feet
every hair
every part
you make me scream
with the sweet delight
of my every dream.
13. No Escape
Undated. This one reads now like a promise made to those he would leave.
They took me away
So I could no longer play
thinking if I was gone
then I couldn’t stay
But in the darkest night
they brightest star
in your every fright
wherever you are
you will see
that, that’s where I’ll be
Wisdom
14. Don’t Worry
Undated. Wisdom he could offer at sixteen. Wisdom I am still learning.
Let it go let go Just let it go
whose to care? Whose to worry? Will the world end? No!
It’s not worth a tear,
it’s not worth any fear,
you can’t live in worry, you cant it’s not right!
Though today may be dark, tomorrow will be bright.
Yesterday has come and gone
like an old soft 60’s song.
today is not over, who knows what’s to come?
Tomorrow beware, I’m ready for you — bring it on come get some!
Nothing is worth to worry over..just choose your path,
and follow it well, do what you feel is right — you do the math,
suffer what punishment is due to you, but don’t dwell on it,
other than your spirit and kindness, nothings worth spit.
All you have to do is go with it!
Everything that happens bad or good, will always workout for the best,
do your part, forget the rest.
To worry is just not worth it, not at all, don’t you know?
Let it go…Let it go…
Just let..it..go..
15. Early Departure
Undated. The title now reads differently than he could have known when he chose it. The poem itself is a psalm.
What voice do we hear, that seem to draw us so near?
near to danger, near to pain
that we listen to as if it were a peaceful rain
broken, beaten I lay
among the sound and spiritual decay
of nations loveless and full of scorn
yet his love endures for over
never falters, never loses hope
in the vest — He is the rope
Untitled Fragments
Two prose fragments found among his writings. Not dated. Not titled. The cadence is more mature than the rhymed poems. I suspect these are late — written in the last year, possibly the last months. They read like the beginning of something he never finished.
can love be as descriptive as the touch God has given thee?, passion loses vibrance when compared to the aura of ecstacy that surrounds thee, truly blessed I am to be near such beauty — that I dare not touch for the pleasure of your warmth should be far beyond a mere mans’s reach….
have you ever tasted the east bound winds while facing the west? — have you ever cried saltless tears — and forgotten all your fears to hide beside the sun instead of run?
SECTION TWO
The Essays
He was a strong student in English and history. Two of his essays survive: one on Miller’s The Crucible written in September 2000, five months after his baptism; one on Arthurian legends written in November 2001, seven months before his death. Spelling and grammar are his. The moral clarity is his too.
Essay One
Diamond in the Rough
AP English III · September 20, 2000
He was sixteen. Five months after his baptism in the Neches. He read the Salem witch trials as a war of prejudice and called out the court’s use of Scripture to justify it. This is the register he brought to Christianity — not comfort but confrontation.
People are like jewels in the eyes of God. An angry or vengeful person is like an uncut diamond, rough and clouded. In the novel, The Crucible, John Proctor and the rest of the accused represent the jewels of God. The court attacked these people, under the cover of something holy and just, in order to strengthen the accusations made against them.
First of all, the court strikes fear in the hearts of the townspeople, in that everyone ever accused of witchcraft had either their names ruined or their lives taken. (Elizabeth softly: “I am accused?” — “the noose is up, oh my, the noose is up!” pg. 57) The court in order to feel they have a higher purpose, began a war on something they on something they cant even comprehend. They judge people who have been accused of witchcraft. Witchcraft being whatever looks odd or different in the eyes of the court. They say they are men of the bible, yet the bible states, “Judge not lest ye be judged”. Apparently since they are ministers and judges with a high rank in society, also involved in religion, they feel they are immune to this rule. (“While I speak Gods’ law, I will not crack its voice with whimpering. If retaliation is your attempt, know this — I should hang ten thousand that dared rise against the court.” Danforth pg. 117-118) For them I say no one is immune to the word of God, or the wrath that awaits those who believe they are.
Secondly, I also feel that the court used the “witchcraft crisis” to rid society of those who were frowned upon. Such as bums, hermits, and those who had a fair piece of land. (“If Jacobs hangs, he forfeits his property — that’s law. The day Putnam’s daughter accused Jacobs, Putnam stated she’d given him a fair gift of land.” Giles Corey pg. 89) All these kinds of people were the ones most often accused of witchcraft. By accusing and executing these people they have gone against the bible and the very way God has intended us to behave with our neighbors. The witchcraft crisis turned into a war of prejudice, a form of holocaust, to rid the world of the lower classes of society and the “unholy” misfits they consisted of. Im no one to judge the events of the past, but I intend to state my disgust at being a descendant of such a moronic people. The court crossed the line by far when they executed those convicted of the impossible deeds they stood accused of, but when torture of the lambs of God comes into play the line might as well not even be acknowledgable. (“More weight…” Giles Corey being tortured in the press) They should have never even been judged, the court didn’t even know what it was doing.
Furthermore, since witchcraft is an invisible crime, the court allows the “victims” of the accused witches to blame whoever “witched” them. In this the court blindly follows every word of the victims, undoubting that every said rings true. (“Abigail you lied in court.” After Mary confessed about Abigail, and before she lied about John Proctor. “John I’ve seen your power on these girls, how long have you been with the devil?” After Mary warren lies about John Proctor. Pg. 110) An example can be found in the novel when Mary Warren is confessing that their were no spirits, it was all Abigail’s plan to kill John’s wife, and then, out of fear of Abigail turns around and accuses John of being the “Devils Man”. The court being as gullible as they are floats back and forth from Abigail, the home wrecker, to John, the Devil. (“Don’t dare look at me in such a way, I will not have such looks!” “I’ve seen your power John, why would you bid these girls sign the devils book?” Abigail to Danforth and Danforth to John Proctor pg. 110-111) It frusturates me that they would accuse and convict anyone, anywhere of witchcraft, a crime that cant even be proven, and execute them for it.
In Conclusion, the court frightened the people, it used the trials as a method of exterminating the unpleasant peasants of society, and those considered misfits who were odd or different from the views of how one was supposed to be. As long as their executions were “in the name of God” it was alright. They didn’t even deserve to think his name, let alone judge people for him. We as people, including the court, are no more worthy to judge the souls or spiritual actions of men than a flamingo.
Essay Two
Legends of Pride
English IV · November 14, 2001
He was seventeen. Seven months before his death. He was thinking about what makes men fail — Uther’s lust, Gawain’s shame, Maligant’s need for war. In seven months he would announce he had been called to ministry.
A world of fear, poverty, and despair is easily provoked and angered. In a land such as this, where possessions are often only a sword and a horse, the slightest wealth in any respect could cause a man’s pride to easily overwhelm him. King Aurther was a man who tried to conduct peace and cooperation, mercy and empathy. Aurther’s intentions were to end suffering and fear in his land, and restore happiness and love among his people. In King Aurthers quest, many opposed him, offended by his ideals. These are they who find their pride out of chaos. These are the ones who are too proud to admit that they have an unjust way of finding pride.
In First Knight, where this style of living is common, Maligant serves as a perfect example of a man with soured pride. Once a great and honorable warrior for the English, Maligant feared not being remembered as the great soldier he saw himself to be once peace was restored. In Maligants’ heart he must have missed the feeling of pride he received after battle when he stood victorious. In fighting, Maligant found inner peace, “Nothing gives me more peace than the screams from battle” (Maligant). He had anger, of course, towards Aurther for even thinking about a campaign toward ending all war, “Look at great King Aurthur, an old man chasing old dreams…dead dreams” (Maligant). He fought and killed many of Aurthurs’ and Queneveres’ people and pummeled their lands with the darkness of his ambitions. For if this dream of Aurther’s was realized Maligant would have no circuit for his volatile pride. Maligant continues his war against Aurthur and his dream of peace that would keep Maligant from being anything more than a peasant.
In Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Sir Gawain accepts a challenge without knowing all there was to know about the Green Knight. One New Years Eve Festival, held by King Aurthur and the knights of the round table, an unusual knight entered his majesties chambers. The Green Knight offered a challenge to any whose bravery led him to accept. The Green Knights challenge was as follows: “I will let you strike me with my own axe as hard as you can. If the blow does not kill me, you will meet me at my castle exactly one year after this day, where I shall return you your blow with my own axe. If you survive you will have quite a story to tell.” Almost before the Green Knight had finished his challenge, Sir Gawain stood accepting the strange knights challenge to protect the honor of Aurthur and the other knights. The Green knight offered his axe to Gawain, and bent his neck toward him prepared for the strike. Sir Gawain readied the bladed weapon behind his back and swiftly and strongly brought the weapon down. The severed head rolled across the floor and Gawains fellow knights drowned out the sound of splattering blood with noise of rejoice. However, their cheering quickly ceased as the headless body picked up it’s severed head which spoke, “Ill see you in one year”, before leaving the great hall of Aurthur. Now, Sir Gawain was a little embarrassed and very much shocked at this. His pride was squeezed dry by failing to win the challenge. Gawain felt that he had disgraced the knights, but dared not forget the other part of the green knight’s challenge. In exactly one year Gawain traveled to the Green chapel. While there, the green knight held small competitions for three days before he would repay Gawain his blow. At one such competition the queen of the green chapel gave Sir Gawain her scarf, but only to give to the Green knight. Gawain found this woman beautiful and decided to give the Green Knight something else while he kept this lovely lady’s scarf to remind himself of her. This is how Gawains pride got the best of him, he allowed himself to break his knightly oath to respect a woman and his oath of truth. His pride was hurt because of the Green Knights unnatural way of….not dying so he kept the queens scarf as a way of revenge against the Green Knight. The Green Knights ends up being the king of the chapel and teaches Gawain to mess with his wife by “scaring him almost to death” when the Green Knight finally does repay Gawains blow with a bare nick. Gawain was corrupted by his pride but given a lesson, and a second chance by the Green Knight.
In the movie Merlin, King Uther is a righteous explorer who conquers the evil King Fordigant in order to claim kingship. King Uther who ruled as a good king was eventually tempted by a married woman (his pride that he was king lead him to believe he could have anything, including a woman, married or not, that he desired) “I am king and I will have her!” (Uther). Uthers’ lust destroyed everything in his mind except for her. Merlin is sickened by Uthers’ weakness, “I don’t know you any more Uther, your sickened by your own lust and 100’s are dead” (Merlin), but eventually grants Uther the appearance of the woman’s husband for one night. Merlin thought it best for the kingdom if this was so, but Merlin told Uther that the son to be conceived on that night would be his to raise in the way of justice and mercy. Uther, of course, agrees and spends his lustful night with the betrayed woman who knows nothing of the true identity of her husband’s impersonator while her love is away at a war. Uther betrays Merlin by having the woman’s husband killed in battle. Soon after these happenings Aurthur is born, “At Last, a good man and a good king” (Merlin). Some number of years after Aurthurs birth, Uther dies leaving his crown to his son and heir, Aurthur. Aurthur was Merlin’s plan to bring something miraculous out of sin. Uther is dead and his sins followed with him ending his spiritual destruction, but with new rulers come new sins.
In Conclusion, the pride of men can prove to be devastating, but not only to the prideful — to those who surround the prideful as well. From First Knight, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and Merlin the stories of men made weak, and whose hearts were made hard by pride are told. In each story holds one or more characters that struggle with an easily overlooked adversary — themselves. A mans pride can very subtly blind him from the path of the righteous. Maligant felt that Aurthur was chasing uncatchable dreams and tried to destroy him for it. Sir Gawain wanted to keep the lady of the chapel’s scarf that was meant for the Green Knight as revenge for his shock and embarrassment at Aurthurs castle. Uther lusted so strongly after a woman that he destroyed everything and everyone that stood in his way of her. Three different but similar sins of pride are portrayed in each story. Men are often found too proud to admit their wrong doings, or a simple misunderstanding. So proud that they would rather go to war, or runaway from the truth, or refuse to listen to reason, preferring to be as useless as a stick in the mud while their actions hurt and make the lives of others harder. But, there will always be a better man that comes along to clean up that mess — before he makes his.
AFTERWORD
What He Left
These are the words he left. He was seventeen when he wrote most of them.
Read them as he wrote them. He was thinking, believing, doubting, longing, resisting. He was building a self. He did not know the self he was building was the finished one.
He also built a third thing that is not in this book. He wrote himself into an eight-generation mythology of light-bearers stretching from a ninth-century Welsh king to himself. He gave himself a name in that mythology — Champion of Light — and a title — Celestial Knight. He was thinking about lineage. He was thinking about vocation. He was thinking about what a boy inherits and what he passes on. That work is treated separately, in another piece.
What is in this book is the poetry and prose he made in the two years between the river and the highway. Fifteen poems. Two prose fragments. Two essays. This is the whole of the writing that survived him.
He is not writing anymore. But these are still here.
— J.H.
Joshua Blake Hargrove
April 9, 1984 — June 22, 2002
Poet. Warrior. Son of Light.
John Hargrove Seeking Truth and Reality 